


There's So Many Things I Want to Say

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [23]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:19:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6510247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It built slowly, like a bonfire on a warm summer night.  She never saw it coming and even looking back could hardly find the moment when it became something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's So Many Things I Want to Say

The phone scared the hell out of him. The ringer was on, which was incredibly unusual. It roused Ed from his sleep with a start and then he knocked both it and the alarm clock off the nightstand as he tried to answer it. Ronin, excellent dog that he was, jumped down from the bed, grabbed the phone and handed it to his master.

“Tucker.” He spoke gruffly but got no reply. “Hello!”

“Ed?”

“Olivia?” his stance immediately softened though his heart was beating too fast and he was still in the netherworld between awake and asleep.

“I'm sorry to call so late.” She said.

“Are you alright, baby?” Ed turned on the lamp, the light nearly searing his eyeballs. Ronin wasn’t impressed either. He jumped back on the bed and buried his face in his pillow. “What's going on? Is Noah OK?”

“I can't sleep.”

“What time is it?”

“I shouldn’t have called you. I'm really sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize, it’s alright. I'm not entirely alive at the moment but give me a minute or two and things should come back to me. Do you know what time it is? I seemed to have knocked my clock on the floor when I was reaching for the phone. The ringer was on.”

“You never leave the ringer on.” She said.

“I know. Maybe my phone knew better than I did that you were going to reach out tonight.” He let out a long yawn before lying back down on his pillows, phone against his ear.

“The test is in two days.”

“Go over your flash cards a couple of times tomorrow but don’t do anything more. Just take some deep breaths, try to get 8 hours of sleep, and relax. You got this.”

“What if I don’t pass?”

“You're going to pass, Liv. You're going to nail it.”

“And then what?” Liv asked.

“Then what, what? I don’t understand the question.”

“I was happy where I was. I don’t know if this is what I want.”

“You don’t want to run Manhattan SVU?” Ed asked. “You’ve been doing that for a while now. All the test does is make sure no one can take your squad from you. You earned it.”

“Fin doesn’t want to be a sergeant.” Liv said. “Nick couldn’t be a sergeant and now he's gone. I've got Rollins and Carisi and they're good cops but sometimes I feel more like a school yard monitor than I'm running a squad.”

“Feeling like a school yard monitor means you are running a squad. I have a captain above me and I still do a lot of work on the daily basis. No one ever lied and said it was easy, at least not if they're actually doing the job. But it’s a natural progression for you; I think you'll be great.”

“What if I'm taking on too much? I mean I've already had to spend so much time away from Noah and soon he's hardly going to recognize my face. Maybe I should just stay where I am and let 1PP bring in a lieutenant. It'll be less stress, and I can focus on being a mom too.”

“You're a sergeant now and you're still missing some things with your son. I'm a parent, Liv, I know there are things I should've been there for and wasn’t. I know there were times I looked at myself and knew being a dad and raising good kids was going to have to precedence over the job. I sacrificed a lot as a parent and a cop and then took lumps on both ends. Working parents are always going to have it hard.”

“I want to…” Liv sighed. “I love Noah so much; fought so hard to make him mine. I just don’t want to once again let the job come before him, before us as a family.”

“The good thing about being a lieutenant is that you'll have a sergeant under you. There will be someone there to pick up the slack when you need to go home and be with your family. The way you're doing it right now doesn’t leave much room for you to do anything but work yourself to the nub. As a lieutenant it will immediately be easier.” Ed yawned again.

“I shouldn’t have woken you. I'm sorry, here I am putting all my problems on you as if you want to be awakened at 2:42 in the morning by my hysterical rantings.”

“You're neither hysterical nor ranting. You're worried and that’s normal. I appreciate that I'm someone you would call when you're feeling this way, even at what the fuck o’clock.”

“Please don’t take it to mean that I like you or anything like that.” She said.

“Too late. You soooo like me.”

“You're not so horrible, Tucker. I guess.”

“And the best part is that I clean up pretty well. It shocks most people.”

“I want someone to hold my hand.” Liv said. “God, I even hate saying it but I'm worried. I don’t know if I'm going to pass or fail the test. In the end it’s not even the biggest thing on my mind. I'm worried and I'm tired and I'm a little bit scared and I don’t want to go through that alone.”

“I'm here, Liv. You're not alone.”

“How can it be you?”

“We’re going full circle because I don’t understand the question.”

“It’s been three years almost and sometimes I'm still so upside down. I've been to hell and back in that time and he just wasn’t here. He wasn’t here for me and I'm so damn angry because I was always there for him and…I know that I've changed and grown and maybe none of that would be possible still holding on to the frayed rope between us so neither one of us would drown but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him and it doesn’t mean I don’t feel abandoned. He's no better than anyone else I loved who walked out of my life.”

Ed hated the idea of ever having to defend Elliot Stabler. He didn’t know all of the circumstances behind his resignation from the NYPD; some of that was over his head. He knew it was a long time coming though. When it first happened he didn’t know if Liv would make it without her partner. The relationship had become so symbiotic, in the worse way; Ed had seen it with partners before. 

She was right about growing and she definitely thrived. But there had to be so many things eating at her, questions that would never have answers. Then she was thrust into the crosshairs of a madman. The Lewis drama was going to be something she carried with her for the rest of her life. All the drama with Brian Cassidy took its toll. Her beloved Captain retiring, John Munch retiring…it wasn’t hard to believe that Olivia Benson looked around and she was the only one left standing on the field. 

And her one trusted soldier recently told her that he was happy where he was and she had to go it alone. Ed could only imagine what that felt like. He had his own traumas and stories to tell but they weren't hers. Liv’s were uniquely hers and he wasn’t going to offer any sage advice. She wasn’t looking for Yoda; she needed someone to listen. So Ed planned to shut up and do that.

“Say something…the line is too quiet.”

“I'm here.” Ed said. “I'm here in any capacity that will help.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because I know what it’s like to feel alone in the world. Because I think you’d be a great lieutenant and I want to help you get there. Because I have feelings for you. Because you're a good woman and a good mom and a good cop.”

“And you're my boyfriend.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“How insane is this world sometimes?” Liv asked. 

The question was rhetorical, she knew the world could be the most wonderful, awful, maddening place. Most of the time she wasn’t sure of her place in it. She knew she was a good cop; never did she doubt that. She knew she could help victims become survivors and turn their pain into something that helped them through. 

Most of the time she had confidence in herself as a mother. Noah was such a sweet, amazing son…Liv felt blessed that he ever came into her life. But this thing with Ed took the cake. It built slowly, like a bonfire on a warm summer night. She never saw it coming and even looking back could hardly find the moment when it became something. 

Because it was before he asked her to stay for a drink after Amaro’s father went apeshit at his own engagement party. It wasn’t when Liv was seeing Brian, Tucker was still the enemy then. Though to be honest, Brian was often the enemy too. Liv still couldn’t figure out how that went as far as it did. If she couldn’t figure that out then how was she supposed to make sense of the algorithm that was Ed Tucker? 

Was she just making another wrong decision like she had with Brian and David and Dean? She and Dean were never romantically involved but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been some bad decisions where he was concerned. There were good moments but her batting average where men was concerned was pretty dismal. It was hard for Liv not to think that she had something to do with that.

“It’s pretty damn insane, you're not wrong about that. There are some great spots too though.”

“Like what?” Liv asked, surely believing that but wanting to know what Ed would say.

“The Brooklyn Bridge.” He replied. “Sunset over Lake Winona. The perfect game. A dog licking your face. Hearing your kids laugh. Watching a scary movie and actually having it scare you…I love when that happens. The way you look at me sometimes.”

“I'm trying to figure out what I see in you.”

“I don’t want to brag but I've gotten extensive compliments on my cock.”

“Oh my god, Ed!” Liv burst into laughter.

He smiled when he heard her laugh. It was a delightful sound. Especially when he caught her off guard and it was slightly manic. Making Olivia laugh wasn’t that easy and Ed loved doing it. He loved to have her relaxed and in their moment together, whatever the moment was. 

And yes, he loved being her boyfriend. She was someone important to him; he wanted this to grow and be something good for the both of them. They'd made a decision to be together, which wasn’t an easy decision to make. The past still existed though they made it a rule not let it control the present or future. Ed didn’t want to be with her because there was no one else to be with. 

He didn’t want to be with her because he found her incredibly attractive and wanted to get into her pants. Those things didn’t matter to him. She mattered. Her thoughts, her smile, and the way she pushed her hair behind her ear when she was thinking. 

Her fierceness in the face of 10 brick walls fascinated him. Watching her love her son made him happy. Sometimes he stopped asking himself so many questions because everything wasn’t going to make perfect sense. He wanted to feel it more than think it.

“I could come over and spend the night tomorrow.” He said. “We could just relax and you can let the test go to the back of your mind. I could give you a massage and we could watch your favorite movie.”

“I was thinking about watching _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_ tomorrow.” Liv said. “Have you seen it?”

“My son is obsessed with it.” Ed replied. “But he watches the dubbed version and I’m ashamed of him.”

“You can't appreciate its magic until you see it in Mandarin.”

“Exactly.”

“OK.” Liv said. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Answering the phone.”

“You can thank Ronin. I knocked it off the nightstand and he jumped off the bed to get it.”

“Good dog.” She said.

“I have faith in you, Olivia. I know you're going to do well on this test and I know you're going to be a great lieutenant. It’s a transition, will take some time to get used to but you will.”

“Just don’t tell me that I'm stronger than I think.”

“I wouldn’t. Anyway, you know exactly how strong you are. You always have.”

“I'm going to let you go back to sleep.” Olivia said. The truth was she didn’t want to but it wasn’t fair to keep him up with her worries. She wished he was with her tonight. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, OK?”

“Sweet dreams, baby.”

“Goodnight.”

She was wearing that goofy smile as she hung up the phone. It was always the look on her face when it came to Ed recently. After their big fight and reconciliation, Liv had been on Cloud Nine. She was happy and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were together, they wanted to be together, and they were happy. 

Yes, it was all still in the honeymoon phase but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to be good. None of her friends or other cops knew yet but it was till new enough for Liv to want to keep it for herself. Ed had been an invaluable support system while studying for the lieutenant’s exam. He gave her space when she was going a little batty and then some nights he would come over, cook dinner, hang out with Noah, and massage her feet. 

Man, this thing blew her whole mind. Liv wanted to just surrender to the feelings but that was a difficult thing to do. Letting her guard down, even though they'd already crossed a large hurdle, wasn’t easy. But she was listening to her gut. 

Her gut told her that Ed wasn’t going anywhere and neither was she. As Liv turned out the lamp, slipped further down between the sheets, and listened to the rainstorm outside, she knew there were things to worry about. There were always things to worry about. Her relationship with Ed wasn’t one of them. They weren't going to let it be.

***


End file.
